Dear Ian, Ian, Ian, Sir Ian and.... erm ..... Ben,
Following your sterling work in the complex and totally unexpected departure of Stuart Lancaster, I am writing to apply for your approval to take on the position of head coach of the England national team.
Despite my lack of coaching experience, I'm pretty good on games such as Football Manager and Rugby Union Team Manager, leading Aldershot to the Premier League in the former and actually winning a game in the top flight as London Welsh in the latter. I mean, I didn't even cheat. Though there was one game where I quit whilst 3 - 1 down to Sheffield United and had to replay the match, well, OK, I did it 11 times if I'm honest, but this is something I intend to bring into the England repertoire. The benefits of such a system are straightforward, imagine if we could just replay the disappointing defeat to Wales. Just pretend it didn't happen and start again. I'm sure World Rugby would go for it.
I would act as a go-between to encourage a better relationship between the national set up and Premiership sides and I humbly promise not to ask any player how much they are paid by their clubs as to avoid any tricky questions about s*l*ry c*p breaches.
My 6 point plan to improve the England first team set up is
i) In light of Wales and Scotland outperforming England, I will follow their lead, and will look to pick any players born in another country to bolster the ranks, but in strict adherence to your rules, I promise not to choose any players base in France. In fact, to avoid any misunderstandings, I won't even go on holiday there. Not even Euro Disney. This has been dabbled with in the past, but it was a really half arsed attempt, I'm currently looking at loopholes to bring Dan Carter in as fly half.
ii) I will follow the examples set by previous regimes by selecting players out of position, Dan Coles and Rob Webber would be my starting center pairing, for example.
iii) Again in line with continuation of previous coaching mantra, anyone showing any form in the league will be dropped from the squad. Anybody found to act on instinct will also be dropped. I will also refuse to consider anyone who's name rhymes with Peeven Whyler.
iv) Mike Brown will be sent on an intensive anger management course.
v) No leniency will be shown for breaching discipline. Anyone late for training will be hung by their thumbs, anyone arrested will be introduced to our O2 sponsored iron maiden and public drunkenness/nuisance offenders will be forced to listen to 'Baby' by Justin Bieber on loop for 48 hours. A secondary offence will mean they will be forced to endure an hour of James Haskell's famous 'banter'.
vi) I steadfastly refuse to select former rugby league players, for one, I don't follow it anymore, so unless Martin Offiah or Ellerry Hanley make a comeback, I'm not sure I know anyone else who'd be interested in playing. Of course, if the overlord of Rugby, Lord Bruce Craig, decides to sign any current leaague international, we will listen to his opinions before selecting them.
Further to the plans to change the ethos surrounding the first team, to fit in with people the RFU like, I will be happy to change my name to Ian.
My coaching set up would largely involve replacing Mssrs Farrell, Rowntree and Catt with the Chuckle Brothers and an actual Cat. A left field choice, granted, but the Chuckle Brothers extoll the virtues of teamwork with their 'to me, to you' catchphrase and cats are pretty agile. I can't see anything going wrong. I would also ask Sir Clive Woodward to come on board for his valuable input. Or it may be easier to just wait to see what he writes weekly in the paper about what we're doing wrong and that would mean we wouldn't have to pay him.Also as a cost cutting measure I'd also ask for Jeremy Guscott for a weekly report based on his opinion. It would save a fortune on toilet roll at the RFU's heaquarters.
I would also like to initiate a new captain. We need someone with previous experience as a captain, cunning plans to hand, an almost devious mind and the attitude to not care about outside opinions. So Captain Edmund Blackadder it will be.
My salary will be negotiable, but must be similar to my salary from #rugbyunited (erm....£0) and any contract must be sent to me on a postcard from Epping Forest and written in crayon. Red. No novelty postcards though. And burnt amber is orange, not red.